Silent Voices
by the lurker
Summary: Sydney reveals a long kept secret regarding his sessions with Catherine Parker.


Silent Voices

THE PRETENDER  
Silent Voices  
by the lurker  
  
The full lights dimmed as he gently turned the knob down, and the night illumination eased on, lending a soft bluish glow to the lab. It was time to call it a day, time for him to go home. It was time for him to leave his work at the Centre, instead of allowing it to steal his life force, like an invisible hand choking him to death. Yet something called to him in the dark. He stood still and closed his eyes, straining to hear it.  
  
It was like a faint whisper, carried on the gentle breeze pulsing through the air vents. He tried to grasp its plaintive cry, but just as quickly as it had come, it was gone. Sydney opened his eyes, and for a moment in the dark shadows, he thought he saw her; but then realized it was merely a game of low lighting, and the spectres in his mind. He shook his head, heaving a woeful sigh. There were so many ghosts of the past in this room, so many souls to whom he owed outstanding debts; liabilities which one day, would come due.  
  
The thought of it brought a rueful smile to his full lips. What price would the revenants of his past extract from him that he could still pay? _His soul?_ That had been sold to the devil known as the Centre long ago, and it was damaged beyond repair. _His heart?_ That had been broken so many times, the pieces couldn't be found, much less put back together to form a sentient mechanism.   
  
_His mind._ That was all he had left. It was all they could take from him now. And in the quiet dark of the lab, he knew that they would come for him, and he knew what they would demand. In the stillness of the late hours, he could hear them calling to him; begging for mercy with silent voices, crying for help with unseeing eyes. All of them without faces, the ciphers of the Centre; the nonentities without names, without lives, without voices to make themselves heard.   
  
They had needed a champion, an advocate, _a friend;_ one who would have been worthy to stand with them. But he had not been that man. He had pacified himself with the belief that he had done all he could; that there were reasons and limits and barricades to feeling anything more. He slammed his eyes shut against the misery which was his existence; the poor excuse of a protector and confidant he had been to so many. He could have done more; he should have found a way to save them all.  
  
Why was he still here? Almost everyone he had loved was gone, and in almost every case, he had played an unwitting role in their departures. How had it come to this? He didn't have the answer. The voices wanted to know why _he_ was still there. So did he.  
  
Tears of regret had begun to sting his eyes when he felt the gentle touch on his shoulder. He did not need to turn to know who was there, nor did he need to ask how she had known. The very connection he had shared with her mother, he was beginning to perceive between them; and it terrified him. He had only been partially truthful with Parker regarding his sessions with her mother. He had disclosed simply that Catherine had asked him to help her develop her intuition, her inner sense, which was true; but he had left out the _why,_ trying to protect Miss Parker.  
  
A small smile tugged at his mouth. Had it been to protect _her,_ or to protect _him?_ He suspicioned that it was a little of both. Her mother had come to him, because he was an intuitive who was far more developed than she, although few people were aware of his ability. Catherine had come to him for help, and shortly afterwards, she was gone. A part of him still missed her; he would always miss her, just as he missed his family. The thought of losing the girl who had become like a child to him was unendurable.  
  
Dropping his head to his chest, he closed his eyes once again, listening to the silent voices of his heart. He didn't know if any of them knew how much he loved them, nor if he could make them understand his need for their forgiveness. Sydney didn't want to have the gift of inner sense; he didn't want to hear the voices, nor feel their pain. He hadn't asked for it, he was sick of listening to them; it had made him so very tired.  
  
He felt the soothing hand squeeze his shoulder lightly; she was worried. He reached across his chest and softly laid his own hand on top of hers. Wordlessly, she moved closer to him, setting her chin down on their hands, leaning her head into his. His eyes closed as he concentrated on her inner voice, and it sent a pang into his heart as he felt her fighting for control of her emotions. A moment later, he felt the teardrop on his finger, and he turned to look at her, holding her face between his hands.  
  
His voice low and sweet, The inner sense can be very difficult sometimes, Parker.  
  
She tried to keep her timbre even, I can't control it.  
  
No, you can't. Anymore than you can control how any normal person feels. He moved his hands onto her shoulders, You must learn to focus it, and use it, without letting it use you.  
  
Like it's using me now...  
  
Yes. You came here because--  
  
--Because I sensed you were hurting.  
  
He barely whispered,   
  
And that's wrong?  
  
No. You came here for the right reason, but you don't understand _why_ you were compelled to do so. She frowned at him, and he took her hands in his, The connection you feel between us has become stronger, as I knew someday it would.  
  
I don't understand.  
  
Your mother came to me all those years ago for a reason, Parker.  
  
Her eyes looked sharply into his as the reason hit home, You were able to teach her because you have it. He nodded and she grabbed him hard by the upper arms, How could you keep this from me, Sydney?  
  
His eyes filled with moisture, What does your inner sense tell you? What do you hear?  
  
She closed her eyes, concentrating, then bore into him, You're afraid.  
  
Yes, of...?  
  
You're afraid of-- She looked at him sharply, You're afraid of losing me just like you did her.  
  
He nodded sadly, and stepped a few feet away from her, wiping away the tear sliding down his face. Parker stood perfectly still, tears falling silently down her cheeks. After awhile, he turned back to her, a gently smile touching his lips.  
  
The silent voices are all around us, Miss Parker, we just have to know when to open our hearts and listen, and when to turn a deaf ear to them.  
  
A deaf ear? Is that how you survived all these years while my mother, Jacob and god knows who else disappeared around you?  
  
Sydney's eyes filled with anger, she had always been a quick study, and quick to rule, How dare you judge me. You were nothing more than a child then, you couldn't possibly know--  
  
He stopped himself, and walked away from her, moving into the middle of the lab. The bluish glow from the lights caused an eerie aura to appear on his face. She was right on the money; his guilt was overwhelming. He smiled in spite of himself and the situation, a slight pride welling up within him. In time and through hard work, she would be far more efficient than he had ever been in interpreting the intuitions.  
  
He felt the gentle hand on his shoulder once more, and he could feel her warmth standing right behind him.  
  
Her breath was soft in his ear, Come on, I'm taking you home.  
  
He looked at her, a parental love lighting his eyes. He could have argued with her, and in days gone by, he would have; but there was no point now. The path was before them, and they were heading down it. He would mentor her as he had done her mother. He offered up a silent prayer, that she too wouldn't leave him.  
  
was all he said.  
  
Parker picked up his jacket from the chair near the door, and put it around his shoulders.   
  
You look really tired, Syd.  
  
He nodded silently, and put his arm around her; the silent voices echoing into oblivion behind them.   
  
fin  
  
  
  
  



End file.
